If I was to describe myself I'd say I was a strong, independent, opinionated, outspoken, kind hearted yet shallow at times kind of woman. A lot of people would also describe me as a tad bit crazy, insane and a little bit mental... not in the mentally challenged kind of way of of course! This year I want my readers to get to know me a little bit more. I already have a reputation of telling it like it is, although I'm confused as to why as I've been very tame here on JustJulie. Friends also see my as a very strong woman, life has made me that way and yes I can be very strong most of the time, but like most women, I have my vices, things that have always been my weakness and no doubt will continue to be so, so I thought I'd just share those with you today, just to let you know, that we aren't all perfect, and I have no shame in admitting so!
Top of the list is smoking. I haven't hid the fact that I smoke like a trooper here. I love my cigarettes, I really do, but I wish I didn't. I wish I wasn't that curious teenager that decided to pick up a fag but off the floor with a friend and try it, (I was actually not even in my teens when I first tried a cigarette out) but I did and some twenty odd years later I'm still smoking. Now me saying I love my cigarettes and on the other hand saying I wish I had never tried it may be a slight contradiction, but for any smoker out there I'm sure you'll know what I mean. I enjoy it but at the same time I wish I didn't. Not every cigarette is nice, in fact over half of them are just smoked through habit and boredom, the others, after a meal, drink etc are just amazing. I calculated roughly how much money I have spent since I properly started smoking, and let's just say it's more than 50 grand.... yet that still doesn't make me stop. It's a huge weakness of mine, I get lectured on a daily basis by everyone around me, but you can't lecture an addict. One day I'll quit, but I guess I'll quit when I know I really want to... I hope! Shes says whilst she lights up another one of course, see I suck!
Let's get something straight here, I'm not an alcoholic. I used to have a drink most nights in the week (one or two vodkas) but I stopped mid week drinking a few years ago, there's even weekends when I don't drink, like if I'm working all weekend, yes I'm too old to drink on a school night and be warned those in your twenties, this will be you too soon! But there is that night where I'm stressed out, where I think sod it I'll have a couple of vodkas, or if I've had a great day and think yeah let's celebrate with a vodka or two, but this isn't that often... honest, I think that's quite normal really. But what my issue is, is that I'm a 33 year old binge drinker, yes I'm writing this up whilst I'm on a day 2 hangover! When I go 'out out' I don't just have a few and just be merry, oh no I start drinking at 3pm and carry on until 2am, or later. I don't just start off on doubles and move to singles, no I stay on doubles and have a shot with every drink too, sometimes I'll have two shots because, why not?! ha! Yes I drink and get myself it to a bit of a state, not a state where I'm passing out, that's never happened, but I can easily drink a man under the table, yeah I may be holding on for dear life but that's besides the point! But when I do have a drink, I like to do it properly and drink everything in sight! I also have a bit of a reputation of texting whilst drunk or updating my Facebook when I'm drunk too, this is apparently very entertaining for all to witness. I've never grown out of that, but hopefully one day I do!
Actually this should be 'spending money' yes I can spend money like I'm a millionaire, the sad thing is, is that I'm not a millionaire... yet! I just love to spend spend spend, I actually think it's in my DNA to spend money like it's tap water! Unfortunately I often by clothes that sit in the carrier bags for months before being worn, shoes that sit in their boxes for a year until worn and buy makeup as if everything I own is about to run out of date! Every month I say I'll be good, yet every month I'm too scared to check my bank balance... I never learn! I guess all the while I'm just looking after myself I'm not harming anyone, but really it would be nice to actually have something to show for my hard earned cash!
Finally we have men. For all my strength in many areas of my life this is the one thing that cripples me. MEN! God as much as I can hate them with a passion, I bloody love them too! Now don't get me wrong, I don't put it about. I'm actually extremely fussy when it comes to men, one thing can really put me off and I'm out of there like a flash, they're blocked everywhere and I just pretend I don't know them. I know what I like and very rarely do I ever see that in a man BUT there is that time where there is that one man that just gets there claws into me and I'm weak as f*** it's always been the way. They can get in my head and it's bloody hard to get them out once they're in. I won't lie, I've been treated like shit throughout my dating life, I've put up with a lot of crap and it's affected me hugely over the years. I guess I'm that woman that likes a challenge, a bad boy so to speak and think I can change them, well we all know how that ends right?! Having said all of that, I have changed a lot, I walked away from the love of my life because he was just not right for me, so I guess I have grown stronger in that sense, that I now know my worth and now know what I do and don't deserve. As I embark in the world of dating once again, I do feel like my old weakness won't reappear and that the strong woman that everyone seems to think I am will stay firmly on her feet and not allow a man to whisk them away so quickly this time around! I always used to think you had to change for a man, now I'm confident within myself, love having time to myself, I ain't changing for no fucker. I am who I am and that guy, whoever it is will be damn well lucky that I picked HIM!
Where Else Can You Find Me?