For those who don't already know, I like a drink. No I'm not an alcoholic, but I've always enjoyed the odd glass of vodka or 20. Now I'm naturally loud and outspoken, however once I've had a few, well let's just say it's quite some experience for those around me, and if you don't know me very well then you have no chance of being able to deal with a drunk Julie! I've decided to compile a list of things I would tell my drunk self if my sober self was around! Enjoy!
- STAY OFF FACEBOOK! Yes I like to update my Facebook status and let everyone know just how drunk I am. It makes little sense, I cringe the day after and have no idea why I do this!
- DON'T MESSAGE HIM! I'm sure we've all been there. There's either this guy we're chatting to, or you're seeing someone and you have this urge to text him and once again, like my Facebook updates, none of the messages make sense, I end up looking like a fool and yes, I have no idea why I do this!
- DON'T CALL HIM! Well if you get no reply, you figure they may be asleep and would just love to receive a call from an absolutely w***ered woman. It could go a few ways, he'll pick up and you tell him just how horny you are... just me who gets like that?! He won't pick up so you try to call again and again. He's clearly not ignoring you is he? Or a voicemail is left! This is never a good idea. It's not really something I do nowadays but yeah I've been guilty of this a number of times!
- DRUNK SELFIES ARE NEVER GOOD! Especially if they're taken whilst sat on the loo, because a lovely toilet roll in the background is really going to make that sexy pose that you're so desperately trying to take so you have a new hot Facebook picture, look amazing right?! It's even better when your lipstick has smeared off and you have a red smudges all around the lips! yes drunk selfies should be a huge no no, yet I always take them, luckily they rarely see the light of day!
- DON'T TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF! It's the end of the night and my feet are killing me, what do I do? Yeah take my shoes off and walk (sometimes run) around the streets in my bare feet. It's revolting really as I could be walking on anything, not to mention it turns my feet black, I then get ill after and well just no! Stop it Julie before you walk in glass or worse... but my god, that feeling when you take those shoes off...
- DON'T EAT IT! No I'm not talking about the guy I'm trying to hook up with... I mean food! Now there are two things that I want after I've had a good drink, ones pretty obvious if you read 2 and 3 but the other is food! God do I get hungry after a few drinks. It's all that can get me through the end of the night, that gorgeous food to munch in to! The problem is through convenience I often end up at an awful burger hut van or hut and have to order the most revolting food ever, food that would never pass my lips if I was sober, food I wouldn't even give a dying dog! I always say I wont go there, yet I always end up there!
- SHUT YOUR MOUTH! I have absolutely no control over what comes out of my mouth, I mean zero control! Whatever thought comes into my head, it comes straight out of my mouth, there is no filter with a drunk Julie! I will sit there and chat complete shit with any person that is willing to sit there and listen, if you don't want to listen, I'll still tell you, I don't care. I honestly think most people must sit and think what the actual f*** when they meet me, some people are on the same wave length and can get it, but others, yeah pretty sure I scare the crap out of most people!
- STOP SINGING! Yeah I like to sing, sing as loud as I possibly can. You know what it's like when a big tune comes on? Yeah I'm all over that and I fully intend on singing it louder than the record! Not content with singing along to songs, I also like to record myself singing. I'm not sure why, I can't sing well when I'm sober, so I'm not sure why I think my singing is video worthy when I'm slurring away to a song!
- STOP DRINKING! I'm a 33 year old binge drinker, I always have been and more than likely always will be! I start drinking very early. I love getting ready, getting ready is part of my night out. I've got my vodka, my redbull and I'm all good to go! I'll be drinking for 12 hours straight and yet I still think I need that double vodka and redbull at 3am... because I'm not drunk enough already! I'd tell myself to move on to water, maybe the hangover would be a bit better and not last two days!
- NO YOU DON'T NEED A SHOT WITH EVERY DRINK! Actually I seem to think I need two shots with every drink! I always tell myself that I won't do shots but the first thing I order in the pub is a double vodka and redbull and a shot of sambuca, with an apple sour to wash the Sambuca down! Someone say Jager Bomb? Yes please! I'm all over that, and if you don't want that Jager Bomb which that kind gentleman that is clearly not trying to get into our knickers bought us then I'll just drink it! I'll easily drink 10-15 shots on a night out, it could be more, I reach a point where I can't see, so I have no hope of counting! I think shots are what do it for me, they are the devil that sends me over the edge.
I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!
Yeah right, I've been saying that for over 15 years. I still do!
Ok that was 11 things, but the last is more of a statement that I think we have all made during our lives! I'd love to tell you all that this is a joke post, that this is all banter and nothing here is the truth, but I just can't, I'm an awful liar! If you ever see a drunk Julie, either grab a shot and enjoy the ride, or turn the other way and run away while you still can!
Until Next Time