I've never done anything like this before. This isn't about beauty, it's about life, my life over the past three months. A diary entry I guess. I've not re-read this, I've not spell checked this, this is just me as raw as it comes.
I don't really write anything too personal on here, I choose who I tell things to and who I don't. I can be quite secretive, especially when it's in regards to my feelings/things I'm going through and I'll be honest, I'll only show sides to me that I want to show. But there comes a time when you want to just talk about the way you feel. I struggle to pick up the phone and talk to my friends about how I'm feeling when I'm down, it's something I've always done, yet it's something I wish I could change. Don't get me wrong, I know I have a ton of people who will sit there and listen to me for hours, yet I just struggle to get the words out, however I actually find it easier to put my feelings on to paper. So this is what I'm going to do today. I'm going to be honest, I've probably had the worse three months of my life and it's reached a point where I just need to let some of it out, maybe then I'll be able to breath again?
Three months ago I lost someone. It's still something I can't talk about, it's too raw, there's too many feelings that I just can't work out in my head. There's anger, hurt, resentment, regret and a whole host of mixed emotions that I honestly think is going to take me a long time to work through. But this loss has had a massive impact on me. I've never experienced anything like this in my life and I don't quite know how I'm supposed to actually over come this. I know people do, but so many things were left unsaid, thing's I'd wished I'd said, but I'm never going to be able to do that now, and that's a hard pill to swallow.
Three weeks after this loss, I discovered I was pregnant. Totally not planned at all, I'd only been dating this guy for a few months, it was never going to be a massive love story and end happily ever after. We'd always been careful, but accidents happen, especially after a night out on the lash.
Now most people wont know that I have this fear of not being able to carry a child. I'd had three miscarriages prior to falling pregnant. All were at various stages of pregnancy, but each still hit me hard, especially the first when I found out I'd miscarried at my 13 week scan and then never heard from my ex after we left the hospital, double blow really, the third blow came when I discovered he'd been cheating on me with one of my best friends.
Finding out I was pregnant was a huge shock. I wondered whether this was a sign, they say when one person dies another is born, was the universe trying to tell me something? I was faced with a hard decision. Go against my heart or go with my head. One decision would have meant I'd been alone, another decision would have meant I'd have someone to support me if I chose to have an abortion. For some people it's a no brainer. I'm not against abortion, I believe it's down to the individual, however when the heart comes into play everything can get a little blurry, especially when you're an adult who should really know better, but hey we're all human and mistakes do happen. Regardless of the choice I made I knew it would be over between me and him, as I said, it was never anything serious and the fun had all been sucked up the moment I see two lines on the pregnancy test.
After what seemed like a lifetime of decision making I had come to a decision, it was never 100%, but it was as close as I could have made in that situation. I then started to spot and get some not too severe stomach cramps and immediately feared the worse. I had a scan two days later where it confirmed that there was no heartbeat. The heartbreaking thing about a miscarriage is that quite often you're sent off home to let nature takes it's course, which for anyone who has miscarried before, then you'll know this can take a few weeks to happen. The 'father' assured me he would be there for me and support me through the miscarriage. He then spent the whole weekend out on the town, having fun and raving and called me once over that weekend.
I went back too work too soon, I knew I didn't feel right but wanted to get back to normal. I couldn't predict what would happen next, the scariest time of my life. I passed out at work, refused to go to the hospital which was against the paramedics advice. You see I hadn't been sleeping well, all I wanted to do was sleep. Had I have know what was about to happen, I wouldn't have gone home. I awoke in my bed to blood everywhere, I managed to get myself up and in that moment it felt like someone had stuck a knife up me because I've never experience pain like that or seen that amount of blood, it was like someone had turned a tap on full wack. I managed to get downstairs where I passed out in front of my father. It turns out I'd got an infection and also suffered a haemorrhage. I lost just over a pint and a half of blood in around two hours and my my hg blood levels had dropped down to 8 (it should be around 12-16) had I have lost more blood I would have needed a transfusion, luckily I didn't. An over night stay in hospital and I was back home the next evening feeling very weak, drained and emotional. I called the 'father' as I'd heard nothing from him. Let's just say that was the last time we spoke.
I knew we were never meant to be, I didn't have those kind of feelings for him, we both opened up to each other about a lot, both been messed around in the past, had little faith in the opposite sex, I guess I just expected more from him as there was a good side to him, I think it's easier to run and hide than stick around and deal with something. I guess that's where men and women differ. Apparently it was my fault that he cut me off, but if he wants to think that then that's fine, if that's his way of easing his concious then so be it, but I do believe that karma will rear it's head one day, and that's quite comforting, although it doesn't take away the pain of having to go through something like that alone.
I bet you're thinking things couldn't get any worse right? Well you're wrong, nothings ever that simple with me. My dad then gets ill. The most important person in the whole world to me, who raised me as a single parent (have a read of THIS) In three months he's lost three stone, in the past month he's gone from being able to live a normal life to being bed bound and all the nurses/doctors keep saying is take this medication... none of it fucking works, all of it is making him worse and is leading to more issues. This past week he's unable to get up unassisted as he's just so weak. He now has multiple appointments to see different consultants for each of his issues, which as I've already said have only been made worse or developed because of his original illness. It's extremely hard to witness a man deteriorate in front of your eyes and know there's not a thing you can do. There's one hope though, he is seeing a consultant on Thursday for his original problem, which has finally been rushed through. I just hope they can do something, I hope it's not too late because I just don't know how I'm going to be able to cope if he doesn't get better. the truth is I'm very scared of what the future holds for my dad.
This isn't a post to inspire anyone, I have no answers on how people should deal with things aside from maybe just maybe, if you free your mind and your heart of all the crap that you keep hidden inside and open up it just might allow you to over come certain things.
Until Next Time